Unlike those securely attached, pursuers and distancers aren’t skilled at resolving disagreements.
Without the chase, conflict, or compulsive behavior, both pursuers and distancers begin to feel depressed and empty due to their painful early attachments.Although most people don’t change their attachment style, you can alter yours to be more or less secure depending upon experiences and conscious effort.This could be explained by brain differences that have been detected among people with anxious attachments.To alleviate your anxiety, you may play games or manipulate your partner to get attention and reassurance by withdrawing, acting out emotionally, not returning calls, provoking jealousy, or by threatening to leave.You’re also responsive to those of your partner and try to meet your partner’s needs. To maintain a positive connection, you give up your needs to please and accommodate your partner in.
Because you have good self-esteem, you don’t take things personally and aren’t reactive to criticism. Instead, you de-escalate them by problem-solving, forgiving, and apologizing. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy.
To determine your style, take this quiz designed by researcher R. You accept your partner’s minor shortcomings and treat him or her with love and respect.
You don’t play games or manipulate but are direct and able to openly and assertively share your wins and losses, needs, and feelings.
We’re wired for attachment — that’s why babies cry when separated from their mothers.
Depending especially upon our mother’s behavior, as well as later experiences and other factors, we develop a style of attaching that affects our behavior in close relationships.
To change your style to be more secure, seek therapy as well as relationships with others who are capable of a secure attachment.