For example, consider the case of a courtship that has played out during multiple successive military deployments.
A military combat deployment is one of the most emotionally super-charged environments imaginable. The threat of loss of the other boosts attraction considerably for both partners.
Lack of access to each other, paired with short-lived reunions during R & R weekends, fuels unrealistic fantasies of the true potential of the relationship.
The fantasy script of the stateside partner incorporates the potent thought, “My partner is a hero,” and all sorts of positive traits are then linked to this global perception.
On the flip side, it’s quite heady stuff to be told that you are the person a soldier holds in his or her heart amidst the chaos of war.
Oh, and you can know what those faults are and enter into a marriage with open eyes about who you're really marrying. Here are some things that I think should happen before you decide to get engaged, regardless of how long it's been:—You should say "I love you" to one another, and mean it.—You should meet close friends and family members.—You should experience some sort of conflict to see how you both react to stress.—You should disagree about something.—You should know your partner's core as a person.—You should discuss your ideas about money, gender roles, and where you want to live.—You should feel in your gut that you can trust this person.—You should both come first to one another.—You should be able to speak openly and feel respected at all times.—You should feel comfortable about your sexual compatibility and both feel satisfied.
And you can discuss your values, and goals, and hopes and dreams, and both have the intention to stick things out if you run into trouble (which, in my opinion, is what marriage is all about vs. That said, is a month too soon to decide to commit to someone for life? I tend to think that achieving all of those things usually takes six months (at the least).
When I asked her what was new with the new guy, she said she's looking at rings. " and "Let's wait a little longer." But as I searched for the words to give her unsolicited advice, I realized I didn't have many definitive answers to give her.
Here's the thing—you can know a person for years before you get engaged, be happily married for years after that, and then something bad can happen.Getting married is described as a leap of faith for a reason, but when you wait a significant length of time before you “make it official,” the leap is not nearly so great. Sure, a handful of marriages might thrive after short courtships, but for every one of these examples, a much greater number end in divorce. “Delay of Gratification in Children.” Science, 244, 933-938.In each audience that I’ve spoken to about marital decision-making, there is almost always someone who raises a hand and says, “My parents fell in love and got married a month later, and they’ve been completely happy together for the last 50 years.” The core of this statement is an assertion that lifelong happy marriages are possible with very short courtships. So, in all cases, if we were to honestly weigh the emotional, psychological, and financial costs of a bad decision, wouldn’t wisdom in all cases suggest a relatively long courtship? This is good advice, but I think it's pointless unless you counsel couples to start having sex after a reasonable time of couple-dom, say, six months.It happened to many couples I know—couples who played by all the rules and waited "appropriate" amounts of time before committing. Down the road, someone still might cheat, or fall out of love, or want totally different things.So at the end of the day, can you ever truly know if a relationship (or marriage) is going to work? But you know that you're absolutely, positively crazy about someone, faults and all.If couples wait to have sex until they are married, and wait two years to get married, they have no idea how they will after the initial glow of sex wears off.