I tell her these things, but I know in my heart that this is hopeless.
That she will find her own Person X despite our conversations, and her stepfather and I will lose sleep waiting for her to come home from dates.
If he seems attractive, intelligent, and reasonably like someone I would get along with, I’ll respond cheerily and see where it goes from there. While you get ‘Hey sexy,’ we get ‘Tatyana,’ the Russian embezzler who writes us constantly (though we’ve never written her) asking us to save her from Romania. But whatevs.” harassing, unnecessary and uncalled for. They decide to throw their dick out into the interwebs far enough and wide enough to see how quickly it will land in one vagina or another, not caring who they may smack in the face with it along the way. It is wrong and demeaning and it needs to stop.♦◊♦One friend suggested I set filters for my messages so that men who don’t meet my specifications couldn’t send messages like this.
But today, she forwarded me something from the Internet (God, I love the Internet) called the "Douchebag Theory." (I apologize for the language, not mine, though I do love the toxicity and efficacy of the word.) posits is as such: When a girl is young and is playing with male kids, sometimes the male kid would hit her, or call her names, etc.The girl would then run home crying to her mom, who would say "if he hits/calls you names that just means he likes you!From now on, I am not going to tell any child that someone tormenting them really just "likes" them and doesn't know how to show it.When someone treats you nicely, then maybe they like you or they just have good manners.The filtered messages suddenly leapt from 0 to 467! I see this offering as essentially being a way to extort money from women in order to prevent themselves from being harassed, B.
Never mind that the messages just move to a new folder rather than disappear, the filter category was now over-flowing with messages from men who had written perfectly lovely messages. Ok Cupid now has an option for people to put their profiles in “incognito mode,” whereby — for a monthly fee — no one will be able to see your profile unless you see them first and decide you want to allow access by “liking” them or sending them a message. I am guessing that a man who pays for that option may also be a decent person who also doesn’t want to play the field too widely, but then how on Earth are we supposed to find each other? Why are you complaining to me when I am a nice who sends nice messages and my messages go unanswered? I agree that it sucks that women don’t write back to every kind guy, even if just to say, “I don’t think we connect, but I appreciate your compliments.You know…”When I recently took this screenshot of one particularly offensive message, along with my response, and posted it on Facebook for “friends” only, one of my male friends responded with the following:“This guy is making a valid point that got lost in all the other ‘stuff’…I’ve met many people who claim they want a truly healthy relationship with someone with whom they can share their life with, and end up meeting all sorts of really great people who they end up writing off and dismissing because in reality [no one could] live up to and embody what some are looking for.”The man who sent the message above knowingly composed an introduction to a 42-year-old woman, which is all he needed to know to formulate an approach intended to prey upon what he assumed would be my worst fears — that my time is running out, my looks are fading and my reproductive possibilities dwindling — in order to scare me into a date with him as a possible last baby-making, love providing resource." This idea gets drilled into the young child's head and eventually becomes a normal way of thinking.So this in time becomes the douchebag theory; all the girls will go for the guys that treat them like crap because it is what they are taught to do.When I posted this one on Facebook, what shocked me was the way some very good men I know were still either completely unaware of this phenomenon, or, far worse, spoke out in defense of the man in question:“Granted his opening line is a little dull, boring, completely unoriginal and he failed to read your bio to ask deep probing questions like ‘I see you like music.’ You may have been a little rough on him. So tell me, Arianna, what opening line would work to let someone talk?